Relationships – Winning and Losing


How hard do you try and win in your relationship?


Well, it is kind of a trick question because most of the time you may win an argument after a strenuously long and exhausting battle, but did you win? It depends on how much you value your relationship.


Winning an argument could mean losing the relationship, while losing an argument could mean winning the relationship. Double talk? Absolutely not. Just how important is it to win an argument about where the can opener is? Is it worth hurting the feelings of your partner / wife / friend/ etc.?

In my practice I listen to the arguments that couples have that are about things as silly as the can opener’s location. I hear recounted details, including emotions like anger and resentment from both parties from every argument that left emotional scars on one or the other, or both!


Sometimes these arguments are not about can openers or toilet seats, they are about something much more serious. They bubble up from the small annoyances and it usually is my job to get at that more serious problem. Winning an argument represents to the arguer, the need to be right, to be validated, or to be held in higher esteem. This shows a weakness in the individual’s personality and they are sure that if they lose the argument, their self worth will be damaged. It is the hero that can lose an argument, even when they are correct. Every relationship needs a hero, sometimes 2 of them. We need to ask ourselves if winning the argument would hurt the other individual’s feelings. If it would, then I would suggest losing the argument.


What does it bring you to win the argument? Is there a scoreboard somewhere that is keeping track? Can you go into work and brag to your coworkers about how you won an argument and hurt your partner? Here is a tough question.. Do I need to win this argument to make myself feel powerful and overbearing toward my partner? You see, it is the winner of the argument that makes the winner diminished in stature and respect.


So, the choice is yours. Do I want to win or lose the arguments? “Yes” will diminish you, “No” will buy you peace and the knowledge that you saved giving your partner some heavy resentment. If you can honestly say to your spouse / partner / etc. “I care about you more than anything in the world, and I would never do anything to hurt you,” then why would you hurt them in order to win a stupid argument?